3 Boys and a Mom - Diary of a Tagteam

And he's home!

Sooo E is home... we filled his prescrip and let's PRAY for good things.... I am very very suspicous of him though... We didn't stop at the "store" but I would SWEAR he had a small stash here (I never did get to the "friends" in his room since I thought he was coming home tomorrow)... Guess the only thing I can do is hope for the best and I will tell him how I feel tomorrow.... And we WILL talk about the little quirks he has that drive me NUTS!!! Things like eating 85% of the tuna salad I made and putting it back in fridge - why not just finish the rest??? GRRRR and of course let's not put the lid back on properly!!!!!

The boys seem happy he's home - although Dilen is in a mood these days... being VERY defiant and mouthy.... Deven seems to be doing well but still have to work on those listening ears w/him too....

I got the new puter up and running... just need to load a few programs like my webcam, scanner, picture editing stuff... oh and the ISP software! *L* That would be a BIG help huh?? *L*

Now let's talk about that darn puppy??? Ok so she is really cute!! And playful yet a bit skittish w/us when she plays... and she LOVES to cuddle w/me on the couch.... but man I am gonna scream regarding the housetraining.... we go outside and she runs or sits... and runs or sits... and runs or sits... but DOESN"T go potty... what does she do about 65% of the time??? Come in and mess in the house... ARRRGGGGGGGG I gotta do a little research on housetraining and get her fully trained... I did realize today that the MAIN thing I gotta remember is that she is still just a baby and like a child I need to take her out every hr or so for a few min til she gets the hang of things... She's almost 4 months and the person we got her from said she was almost fully trained... I need to talk to him about what her schedule was like....

Well I need to get my tired butt to bed as I have to work tomorrow night and I need to get as much sleep as I can since I will b working a 13 day stretch... Til next time...

Baking Baking Baking

I have spent the day baking.... devils food cupcakes, a few w/a swirl of banana, a banana bundt cake, choc chip cookies... I don't know what possessed me but this urge to bake has been building in me for a while now... perhaps it was the clean kitchen... which I have managed to keep clean while baking.... I even made the sgetti sauce this morning for dinner tonight... Deven must like the baking, he's had 3 cupcakes and wanted a 4th... I cut him off so he will eat dinner but I must say I am THRILLED to have him eat ANYTHING since his meds kill his appetite... Sooo I let him pick the noodle for dinner... we are having those penne ziti things.... And perhaps I will even make biscuits or croissants to go with since I am out of bread to make garlic bread.... and I have to say I have a perverse (sp? is that the word?) sense of thrill to beat a recipe - the cookie recipe says 5 doz cookies... looks like I will get 5 1/2!!!! Yes I know I am strange....

And look!! I put a title on this entry!!! I envy those that manage to put a title on each entry... my thoughts usually are all over the place and I can't think of something snappy to put as a title! *L* Til next time...

Just got a call from the "Managed Healthcare Disability" for E's job (how retarded is it that to use sick leave that you have accummulated you have to get permission even if it's NOT job related!) and he has been approved for "disability" thru March 4th.... Sooo I called E to let him know... and wondered if Managed Healthcare knew something we didn't as they extended him thru next week... Sure enough, he's not coming home til Friday... He was a bit miffed at first but then realized there must be a reason for it.... I am THRILLED to hear him talk like that.... AND it gives me 2 extra days to clean! Having made small progress in kitchen/LR I would like to TRY to keep building on it and I would like to get into the bedroom and clean out all of E's "friends" he has stashed in the closet/cabinet before he gets home....

We all slept rather late this morning (VERY unusual for the boys to sleep til 8) and Dev didn't get to school til 10.... PRAY he has a good day as coming in late disrupts his 'schedule' and Dev has a hard time adjusting to things when they are off track.... BUT he chose to go after saying his tummy hurt and he wanted to stay home... Amazing the power of rewards - the teacher has a "ticket" thing going... 5 tickets and they get a doll of some sort and Dev wants one... of course you only get one ticket a day so he HAD to go today... I am praying really hard he has a good day and gets his ticket....

Well it's off to arrange for the boys to stay w/Doris tonight OR maybe rearrange schedule somehow so I DON"T have to work tonight.... Gotta go look at calender/schedule... Til next time...

The boys were just TOOO cute tonight.... Deven was playing w/my exercise band and looked soo adorable "exercising"... Dilen was BEGGING me to use the new puter (which isn't ready yet - I know it's all in there right but I am scared to turn it on for fear of blowing something! *L*) he had his hands folded together like he was praying/begging and tell in me, PLEASE MOMMA - we will be very very soft and won't break it this time! *L* How can you resist such faces??? Guess I need to get the new puter running soon...

Well Eric comes home tomorrow... There goes any cleaning I managed to get done! *L* Ever noticed how fast kids can destroy all your cleaning progress??? In just a day they have scattered toys once again in LR and Dev managed to dump his entire toy box (21 Gal Rubbermaid Tub) on the floor... *sigh* He WILL clean his own room but I just hate it's been messed up.... I have a few dishes do but no energy at the moment... Guess I'll veg for a bit and then get moving a bit later...

Random thoughts - I had class today (Human Geography) and it went well, some days I hate leaving the house though... But it can't be avoided... TG that Doris (neighbor) picks up Dilen from preschool most days... esp when I work nights - I just wanna hibernate all day in house... I struggle with that constantly... while on the meds it's better there are still days where I DON"T leave the house even to take the trash out... It's hard to stay in the house all day w/kids! *L* We actually did manage to not leave the house but twice this weekend from Friday afternoon thru Monday morning... I worry I am making hermits of my kids, they don't play with anyone other then me and Eric most days... I really have to work at getting them out to socialize a bit more.... Dilen asked what was in my tummy this morning and then said a baby.... I had to remind him that the baby went to heaven.... *sigh*

Well I better go see if I can get the dinner dishes cleaned up and the LR straightened up.... then it's off to bed as I still have a sinus headache... Til next time...

Talked to E on phone.... got in an arguement.. nothing new... but then when I called back later he apologized... seems his meds wore off so he's gonna need booster in early evenings... Atleast they are making progress w/him.... Not sure exactly how long he'll be in since they wanna get meds regulated properly first... but he's understanding/willing to stay... I have to call his job tomorrow and let them know his status... I did get the counter almost totally cleaned off/straightened while talking/arguing with him... And I finally took the old puter cases/parts to the trash... of course I need to run back out and rescue one wire! *L* OOOPS! And I put together the new puter.... still have a little work w/it but made some serious progress... wooo hoooo my new puter is almost up and running!!!!! Well gonna head to bed, have another headache... Til next time...

Well dinner is cooked, the floor is mopped (TWICE), the counter is SEMI cleared, the kitchen table is unmucked, I kept the dishes at minimum and washed them ASAP, vaccumed the LR/hall/kitchen and walked the dog.... Is it time for bed yet? *L* I heard from Eric... Looks like Weds before he comes home... SOOO I emailed the gal I share nights w/to ask her to work tomorrow night for me... Dev had an ok day at school... a few small outbursts but he controlled them... The social worker/guidance counselor called - being nosey the more I think about it... Dev told the teacher about Daddy being "in the hospital to stop drinking so much soda" so I had to clarify that - we have had the boys call beer soda for as long as I can remember because they can't/don't drink either... And she said he fell asleep in class after one fit about spanish being over.... well that is because he took Dilen's melatonin this morning when I said it was time to take his meds instead of his Adderall! *L* OOOPS but atleast we know it works cause he slept quite well last night so he wasn't tired this morning... Had a good 15 min conversation w/social worker as she pumped me for info and I just KNEW she was taking notes.... *sigh* It just feels sooo intrusive... I know they are there to try and help Dev but there is just something about this lady that irks me.... Well Dev is almost ready for bed as he's getting frustrated w/his toys so I better go get things rolling.... I still have to put away leftovers and such as well.... Til next time...

Well Dev is off to school... not sure I am totally crazy about this new bus situation but we got off ok.... I have vaccumed, I have the last load of laundry in the dryer and only have one to fold... then it's off to clean off the counter and finish the last few dishes in the sink... After that I am gonna ATTEMPT to mop the kitchen and then perhaps just veg for a while... I have that heavy in the chest cold feeling again today so gonna just take it easy.... Til next time...

~ Sunday, February 23, 2003

Well it's been a busy day after vegging most of the I finally got moving... I did get about 90% of the dishes done, just a few pots soaking... Got most of the laundry done and folded today... Even straightened up the toy corner so it doesn't look sooo bad... but this house is still soo cluttered... my mission the next few weeks is to declutter.. starting in the kitchen... I have been thinking alot about Emily Elizabeth this weekend and suddenly needed to keep busy... I have soo many questions I want to ask, I think I am gonna call doc office and see if I can talk to the nurse... maybe stop by and see if she's got a little time to talk... Til then I am gonna keep busy...

I have also decided this place is a major PITHOLE.... There is so much that needs replacing and fixing... the kitchen floor by the leaky dishwasher/sink is going bad.. the faucets in the kitchen, boys bathroom and one in ours needs to be replaced... the rugs needs to be tore up and replaced and the walls... well they need to be painted.. They are 80s paneling.. not DARK but not exactly light either... I am soo gonna start fixing things up around here, a litte at a time... I have a plan for the LR and hall floors as well as the walls and kitchen cabinets... I am gonna make a list and slowly work thru it...

The boys were fairly good today... they were up to their usual dual torturing but played well most of the time... Dilen was TOOO cute with pj's, socks and SANDALS then he asks me if he's Handsome!! *L* Deven is such a little personality too... His meds put a little damper on his spark but not too much so it's tolerable, I just wish he would look a little more happier.. I haven't seen as much of the pure joy in his eyes as I used to in a long time... I am gonna call that psychologist again Tues and try to get him an appt...

E seems to be doing good.. talked to him again earlier this evening... He sounds good but the pessimistic part of me shouts that he's a good bullshit artist, but they do seem to be on to something w/treating him for bipolar... If I understood him right they are gonna call me in morning to see about him coming home tomorrow, not sure exactly how I feel about that.. One day at a time I guess... and the boys know he's in there to help him stop drinking so much "soda" (beer/vodka) so he can get better and be less grumpy... Hopefully that will keep him on track as I am sure that the boys will say something if they see him drinking..

Well I have alot to do tomorrow morning after I get Dev off to school so I better get some sleep.... Til next time...

Well instead of snoozing I have been poking around the web while the laundry finishes.... I haven't been back to the Aug 03 board since I lost Emily Elizabeth but today I was poking around the PP CL Team board as I am trying to figure out why my site won't show graphics/pics on one page but does another (but that is a different story) and saw the announcement from an old Oct99PG friend Velda that she is expecting again and will have an official pumpkin (her son is an unofficial pumpkin born 12/99).. Velda also came and posted on our board about it the other day and I am THRILLED for her as she had a really hard loss early 02 and like those of us that have lost a child she longed for another.... but as I scanned down the board further there was a major slap in face.. they have named the CL(s) for the Aug 03 board... The ladies still expecting are past the 1st trimester and well into the second...... and I -- I am NOT... I sooo long to be pg still, I long to feel Emily Elizabeth doing somersaults in me... to feel my waist expanding and know that soon there would another sweet, innocent baby in the house.... I thought I was ok with everything, that I had come to terms with it all but man it still hurts... Til next time...

ARRGGGGG I really hate when something goes screwy and all I have written disappears because I am suddenly on another site/page and not a clue HOW I got there!!!! SOOO here it goes AGAIN.... Let me warn you now it's gonna be long and boring! *L*

It's been a LONG two days... I took time off work yesterday and picked Dev up at school at 1ish since he said he was tired/not feeling well and I promised if he went for a few hours I would pick him up early... SOO off to the grocery store we go... How can you manage to lose an hr and half so quickly??? Then we went to get Dilen and headed home... Spent an hr outside playing, shoveling snow and riding bikes... They were both out cold by 7ish for the night! WOO HOOO Gave me some time to balance checking account, make a list of bills to pay and my infamous list of chores to accomplish this weekend in the house!

Talked to E on the phone.. he's doing ok.. they are FINALLY looking at the possibility he might be bipolar - something I have been telling him for atleast a year now.. He misses us but I told him to just worry about him and not us and the job...

Fast forward to this morning... we managed to eat breakfast and get out of the house by 9:45 even with the icky icky rain coming down... Went to the Post Office to get a refund for a package I shipped yesterday... The box was 12.19 to mail and they charged my debit card 46.19 - EEEKS! Had no problem getting my $34 back TG!!! Then it was off to bank for $$ for the bills, over to cable co to make a payment and back to the Post Office for money orders and to mail one bill out... Ended up back at the same PO I was at earlier as the one by cable company had a line out the door... The gal gave me $10 too much change and after recounting in car I ran back in to give back the money... Then it was off to KMart as promised the boys we would go and look at toys, etc... Gave each boy $5 to spend... Dilen put his down and someone stole it... How heartless is that to take money from a 3 yo???? Well after about 10 min of me telling Dilen rather loudly while we searched and searched that "When you put your money down someone it gonna take it... No I don't have more to give you, I'm sorry" and Deven almost yelling "WHO TOOK MY BROTHER'S MONEY" with this rather accusatory tone we found the money... neatly folded in 4s under a toy in an area we had looked thru 3 other times... guess all the things both I and Deven said shamed the person into putting it back.... Karma does come back to you - imagine if I had kept that $10 from the PO... Then we came home and the boys played/fought for the afternoon til I enforced naptime... later we ran over to hospital to drop off smokes to E and stopped for McD on way home as a treat since I had to wake and carry them to car to get over to hospital before the next smoke break....

Remember that list of chores I wrote down??? Haven't done a darn thing! *L* Feeling very very lazy today but I know that alot of it is the weather, rainy days always make me drowsy - not to mention the sinus migraine that is squeezing my head! I did manage to play w/my profile/website for a bit though!!!! Well tomorrow is another day... I do have to run to PX to make a payment, maybe put some things on layawy but I WILL get some if not most of the chores list done if it kills me!!! SOOOO If I haven't totally bored you by now kudos! *L* I will be making some cookies for the boys tomorrow and you definately deserve one for reading this boring monolog! Well now it's off to bed... Til next time...

EEEEKS it's been a long week since I managed to write anything... I have been working nights and man it's gotten busy lately... Then we had a HUGE snow storm that started Sunday afternoon and by the time it stopped we had almost 2ft of snow within less then 36 hours... I had to have the MPs give me a ride to/from work Monday and Tues and on Tues I worked a double because the day gal couldn't make it.... The mounds of snow seem endless even though they are melting thanks to weather in the 40s the past 2 days... The dog is coming along nicely as a member of the family... she LOVES to sleep on the couch w/me.... I have been busy trying to keep up with house and have to say I am not doing too bad a job at all... even with working nights and being tired.... Have I mentioned work has been busier then a one legged man in an ass kicking contest! *L* Even with the base being closed for both Pres. Day and being whomped by the snow we were awfully busy at work but I guess busy is good.. the hours flew by....

Being busy was a good thing this past weekend.. it's been a month since I lost the baby and this weekend was a little rough but thankfully I was kept semi numb with all the work... Then to add insult to injury comes AF on Weds... A month and a day after the d&c... I guess it's good to know my cycles have returne to normal and we can start trying again soon but still hurts a bit to think of Emily Elizabeth and the baby I will never hold... The boys I think finally understand that we won't be having a baby soon, that Emily Elizabeth is in Heaven... But they still want one... And Eric seems to be back on track with his wishy washy indecisive self about it, so we just take it one day at a time...

It's Thursday now and I have been busy with shoveling out the parking spot so the car fits, keeping busy... Eric decided to check himself back into the hospital this morning to get help with his drinking... It sorta hit me out of the blue... I think having his dad come over here the other day totally soused and talking nonsense, barely staying awake and stumbling around had something to do with it... Gave him a glimpse into what the boys and I see.... Let's hope that this time he's really ready to give it a fair shot at working.... I have to wokr the day office tomorrow so I need to get everyone settled into bed soon... Til next time...

Well Weds was a wasted day... I swear I go nothing done and even the sleep I got didn't seem to be good enough... The puppy and housebreaking/training is NOT going well... she has scaled the kitchen gate twice and messed in the LR... When I left for work tonight I put her on her leash... Wish I still had the dog cage or a big cat carrier... *sigh* But other then that she cuddled w/me all day on the couch... Poor thing is freezing when we go outside and just wants to go back in but overall she seems to be slowly settling in... My house and the short cleaning streak I have come to a grinding halt since Tues... I have GOT to get moving again and not let the kitchen sink and laundry over run us again... Plus I really want to start de-cluttering and scrubbing down things... Well it's on my TO DO list... Now it's off to get my charts and such done so maybe I can relax and catch a little snooze tonight... Til next time..

Tues wasn't SOOOOOO bad... although I am dog tired.... stayed up too late last night watching Minority Report and then had to get up for work this morning... Ran boys to school and made it to work on time even!!! Had class at lunchtime but it was enjoyable.. Got a call at 1:30 to pick Dev up from school as he was throwing a tantrum for almost an hr... he was calm when I got there but subdued like he was tired.... Thinking maybe the regular Adderall is wearing off after 4 hr or so and he might need a booster dose at lunch... we have an appt w/doc to adjust/regulate meds on 5th... He was feeling warm but seemed ok after being home a bit... Gonna play tomorrow morning by ear... Still waiting for pyschologist to call me back for an appt for him.... But maybe this new path E and I are on will help a bit with both boys as I know my meltdowns aren't good examples for them...

I broke down and we got a new dog... She's about 3 mo old.. white w/black pit mix and soo cute... The boys think she's a dalmation and have named her Patch... Supposedly 90% housebroken... we shall see... one plus so far is she is shorthaired... I swear NuNu has been gone since late Nov or early Dec and I am STILL finding fluffs of that darn dogs hair to vaccum up!! oh and she cuddled with me before I left for work tonight.

Work in the day office wasn't TOOOO bad today... however I am describing my location as the desk in front of the office door w/smoke and fire coming from underneath and the demonic chuckles inside... Ms BITCH is NOT the most pleasant woman to work for and man can she MICRO MANAGE... I am TRYING to be a good girl.. my new phrase is "Yes dear" well won't actually call her Dear but will respond in all affirmatives and then go down a few pods to bitch w/co-workers...

Well I better get my charts and such done so I can rest a bit otherwise this 8 night stretch is gonna be an eternity!! Til next time...

Some of the girls on the board have found a creative way to try to save money... they put a $1 in the Bootie Jar (I THINK that's what they are calling it) every time they manage to have a little "fun" w/their DH... Well I now have $2 in the jar.... Perhaps Eric and I can get this marriage back on the right track...

Work started out to be hell today... the time keeper and I had a disagreement, perhaps I didn't sound as pleasant as I meant to be but she didn't have to get so offended and upset w/me for wanting to be sure my time is entered correctly... With all the changes in timekeepers my last 3 paychecks have been slightly screwed up this last time cost me $$$... But we got it all straightened out and the timekeeper and I are friendly again...

Deven's first report card came home today... wasn't great but wasn't all bad either... yes we need to work on behavior but we ARE working on it... Well I better go, Eric wants to snuggle for a bit, perhaps add another $1 to the jar?? *grin*....

Life was actually good today in the G house... I spent the day cleaning after I got home from work... I got the laundry shelves above the washer/dryer cleaned off and organized... All my towels and sheets are now neatly folded and piled on them... I also cleaned out Dilen's room, formerly referred to as "the laundry room" for months... Whenever I would a load of laundry I would merely throw it in there on the bed and we would just rummage thru it for clothes... I managed to get all the clothes folded and sorted... Dilen's clothes are all put away, his bed is cleared off and he's sleeping nicely in there now... Deven's clothes are folded and ready to be put away and I took the trash out..... Gotta head to bed for day office tomorrow.... Til nex time...

Well I didn't get the car running, didn't even make an attempt... but I did manage to get all the laundry folded and some even put away... tomorrow I work on sorting and putting away the boys stuff as well as finish up what needs to be washed.. It's been a long exhausting couple of days emotionally and am starting to feel like I will never get enough sleep... so I am gonna get my briefing charts done early and grab a few zzz's.... shhhh don't tell the taxpayers I am sleeping while they pay me.. *grin* Til next time...

ARRRRRGGGGGGG Either I took too long to type or I typed too much... I don't know but I lost a lovely rant about E and what a dickhead he's being... perhaps it's better this way that I lost it atleast I got it out... ANY HOW it's Saturday, weekends start new weeks in my book.. Ok so they technically end them too but my goal for the upcoming week is to get myself more seriously involved in Alanon and start my WLC... I also MUST do my best to get the car running at a minimum today... I can NOT rely on E for transporation least he hold it over my head... Well I better go finish up my work while it's quiet here... Til next time...

Well we have 6+ inches out there of the white stuff and it's still falling.... boys are off school today but poor E had to go in under a delayed opening of 10am.... Let's hope he's there most of the day so I can atleast get the kitchen counter cleaned off to keep him quiet... I don't feel like doing much again today but if I do the counter now I can veg for the rest of the day!!!!! So here's to being able to veg.... Let me go tackle the counter and dishes.... dishes it seems are essential for meals! *L* Til next time...

Well after a bit of talk and a few minutes of uninterrupted fun w/Eric about having another seems he IS open to it... Maybe we just need to talk to each other a bit more.... But I am tired so more of that tomorrow... Til next time...

Went to dinner impromptu with friends, their treat.... what is one of the first things they say about why we were having dinner as we are all settling into our seats??? She's pg!!! I can only imagine the look on my face... took me a good 2 mins to respond w/congrats... and then I just wasn't in mood for dinner anymore.... Pete seemed to understand but Eric wants to run a full dialog with how far along (she's 1.5 wks late), have you tested (no not yet but she just has a feeling and is late), what names are you thinking of, etc.... then expects me to chip in with any early pg thoughts, advice, insight, etc.... Sorry but I have NO desire to be in the same room let alone a conversation... They seemed to understand... Eric claims I was rude and disrespectful... Personally I think HE is the rude, disrespectful person.... HOWEVER I don't know if it was for show or what but he talked about our 3rd as if it's a given we will have another...

What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

Steph finds the best links sometimes!! Thanks Steph!!!

I have been staying away from the message board I participate in the past two weeks.... I lurk there and occassionally read the messages and I have set it up a few times but for the most part I haven't been there... I just can't find comfort and joy there right now... seems like everyone is pg and expecting and the conversation has turned to those about names, aches, pains, etc and it hurts to read them.... One of the girls posted she is worried as they saw swollen kidneys and something about fluid levels at her us... I almost was HAPPY there was a problem and then felt HORRIBLE for having such thoughts... then another girl posted she is newly pg and I just can't be happy for her... a few others have been discussing names.... I just don't want to be there right now.... I feel horrible that I am supposed to be a board leader and I can barely drag myself over there to set it up when it archives.... My co-leader has been picking up the slack as have a few of the girls that have set up the board when they saw it wasn't done yet... I just wanna crawl into a hole somewhere and hide my life away.. I have been screaming at the boys too much lately, I am not getting any housework done or anything else I really NEED to get done... and I am still spotting and crampy 2+ weeks later.... that just makes the ache in my heart even worse.. it's a constant reminder that Emily isn't anymore... I need a vacation!!!! *sigh* Well guess I should go eat something for lunch... Til next time...

WOOO HOOO I got my computer parts ordered to fix my computer I can't wait!!!! It cost a bit more then I had wanted and the boys new motherboard will have to wait a payday or two but they will have theirs up and running soon too!!!! WOOO HOOOO FINALLY something good is going on in my life... Now to shake this headache I have had all day!!!! Dilen went to bed w/o nursing again tonight and I was even in the same room... so making progress there too!!!! The house is quiet so I am off to layd own... it's Law & Order night!!! Til next time...

Oh it's just another LOVELY day here in the G house..... The boys are fighting.... we had to run over to E's job and we got about 1.5 blocks from his bldg before the car died AGAIN..... I gotta get that new harmonic balancer and drive belt put on.... *sigh* TG we were close enough to walk and get E's car... Now the fun begins to call around for all the parts I need to fix the car so we can pass inspection and get it running well again.. GOOD BYE tax $$$$.... Well there goes the tagteam at it again.... Til next time...

Ahhhh the joys of schedule confusion... the girl I share nights with came in as she wasn't sure if she was working tonight... well now she is! *L* She is gonna take my first 2 nights so I can rest and be with the boys that are sick... I took Dev to school today since I had school and a lunch date and he was up JUST FINE in the middle of the night... By the time I got home Eric was ready to go to his doc as he's been sick for over a week... We finish at doc and I drop Eric off just in time to get to class a bit late.... Luckily I didn't miss much... Then I went to lunch with Alicia and Cindy and the kids... it was a bit harder then I thought it would be seeing the babies... I felt really bad cause I stayed very detached from the girls because it just hurt to see them and know I wouldn't have one myself in a few short months... Then to top it off the waitress was pg.... *sigh* there are reminders everywhere, and how could I have forgotten that Alicia's sweet baby is named Emily.... Then I return home to an extremely irate E... Seems Dev had a meltdown at school and threw a chair... school AND E not happy campers about that and then add to E's gripe that he didn't know where I was and couldn't reach me... pardon me but aren't I entitled to a few hours of free time every now and a blue moon??? Deven says he was angry at his teachers because he couldn't make little Vs.... *sigh* He was tired, sick and easily frustrated, my fault for sending him to school... I have a call in to see a child psychiatrist for Deven.... I just don't know what to do anymore... he can't handle his feelings and expresses them in a completely unappropriate way... E and I argued about that for a bit and I won't even get into E chatting w/one of my online friends and then giving me the 3rd degree!! I never had time to turn things off this morning before I left the house for what became the entire day.... A bit later then I went to get Dilen and stopped at grocery store.... come home to yet another argument with him playing games about work and my schedule... seems he woke up in a stupor at 6:15 and thought I was at work so called there... Well I wasn't there... the way the information was originally relayed to me he gave the impression that someone called here and said I wasn't working tonight.... then it was another 45 min before I got the ENTIRE story.... I HATE when he screws with my head like that.... This week is just been WAY too taxing on me.... I need a good cry.... Seems everytime I start my body/mind shuts me down and just won't let go because somewhere in the road I was led to believe I have to remain strong... but I just can't anymore.... the damn is starting to crack... OH and have I mentioned that my chest feels tight, my throat has a tickle, I am getting a cough and I have a headache I just can't seem to shake??? Sue told me she took the day to just watch the birds... that sounds sooo serene, I might have to try for a bit tomorrow.... Well time to get my tired, sore self to bed and get a few hours of sleep.... Til next time....

Well that day is over and I don't go back to the day office again til the 11th.... I even got to leave early because Dev was sorta sick a school... he had diarreah 4 times at school and teacher commented in his book he wasn't himself all day, I didn't have to pick him up but hey it was a great excuse to leave work! *L* Sure enough, we took him to doc and he has an ear infection AND a red throat so they are testing for strep as a boy in Dev's class was in all the week before with it, out last week and got sent home today STILL w/strep!! OH JOY!!!! So the doc looked at Dilen really fast too since Dev's throat was so red and Dilen was saying "My ear/throat hurts too!" TG the doc humored him and DID check... Dilen has a raging infection in one ear... *sigh* So the doc gave us meds for both... Gotta love the nurse that gave me samples so I didn't have to spend $50 on meds, although I think I still have the scripts in my pocket.... Let's hope that Dev's culture is neg cause Eric has been bitching for a week he is sick with throat/nose and is running hot... just what we DON"T need around here... I had strep so bad this time last yr I was a day away from being admitted.... I DO NOT want to get that sick ever again... And of course because Dev IS so sick he's overly sensitive and easy to frustrated and trying to play a hard playstatioin game... he's in his room screaming because he's not winning and he's SUPPOSED to win... Then Eric goes in after coming out to yell at me to go calm Dev down and his way of dealing with Dev and the frustration is to egg him on..... *sigh* 40 min later FINALLY the house is quiet again and everyone is in bed.... So now it's just me, the computer, Law & Order til 9 and my thoughts.... And of course the tons of laundry I need to get done.... Well I better go put the boys clothes atleast in washer/dryer for school tomorrow... Til next time...

Just as I thought, being at work SUCKS!!!! I have had to tell alteast 4 people I lost the baby after they asked me something... This is hard... I would rather be at home then here at work... And E was acting like Hitler this morning about getting Dev and I up and dressed, etc... WHY am I soo tired all the time??? Besides the depression there has to be a better reason that I am soo tired even when I do get sleep... Well back to the grindstone here before boss asks for something else... Til next time...

Well Deven is in bed already and Dilen will be going down very shortly... I have to go to the day office tomorrow... TG it's only for one day, I am not looking forward to being there at all... I am having lunch Tuesday w/Cindy and Alicia... They will be bringing their pumpkins and the babies... I THINK I am up for this... I do'nt know.... Cindy has been great and gave me the option of with or without the baby... and Alicia has been really great too... she sent me 2 really wonderful emails and has a book she is gonna loan me to read... Strong Medicine on Lifetime is advertising tonight's show with a clip of one of the doctors saying "An otherwise healthy 33 yo woman shouldn't miscarry for no reason" Somehow I don't think I will be watching that episode.... those SAME words have been running thru my mind for almost 2 weeks now... I have to say having the boys around has really been helpful to me in some ways... every now and then while we are playing they start laughing with this pure joy that just fills my heart... Other times I look at them sleeping and try to remember them as infants and ache for the baby I won't hold......




Well now that I am done w/that cry I am gonna go snuggle with Dilen while he drifts off to sleep.... Til next time...

Alright!!! I am finally starting to really get the hang of all this!!! And I got Dilen to eat a bit of dinner.... the little stinker seems to like my steak sauce.... Poor child... tomorrow we diet... Steph gave me some great tips and I am gonna attempt to drop a few pounds and make myself a bit more healthier.. maybe that will help some of my energy come back too...

Well I managed to add some links.... now to make it look a bit more spiffy.... *sigh* Dilen is being a real pita suddenly... he's very cranky and disagreeable....

Well I made a small amount of progess today... I managed to unmuck the kitchen table, I tidied up the toy corner and managed to put a few toys and some books in a box for the daughter of some lady my dad used to work with... she lost everything to a fire week before and has 2 little boys 5 and 3 and a boy on the way.... I am gonna give her some of the boys toys, some clothes for the older boy and a bunch of baby stuff... I have a little bag of things given to me just the week before I lost the baby plus I have a TON of the boys old clothes from birth on up... need to bring the baby clothes tub in and go thru it.... I just wish I had more energy/concentration to do things for more then 5-10 min rather then just wanting to sit and veg in front of the tv and computer.... I have to admit I am THE worst housekeeper there is... I am a pack rat and not very disciplined about cleaning and such.... Ok I can admit I am/can be lazy... Every now and again I have these fits where I become a cleaning machine... I sure could use one right of those fits right now.... Well the dinner I managed to start is actually done... I better get things moving and feed the troops.... Til next time...

WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO after hitting post and refresh I see I DID get my Shout out where I want it!!! ALRIGHT!!!! I am making progress today despite the turmoil in the house!!!!!!

Well I figured out the SHOUT OUT... now if I could get it closer to my byline things would be groovy!!!! E has started another rant fest AGAIN.... Thank goodness the boys are in bed, although I am containing my anger a bit better right now then I did earlier... I have to learn to block out what he says as I know it's just meant to make me feel as bad about myself as he does himself... Let's just have another drink DEAR!!!! *sigh* Well if you can't beat 'em join 'em.... I am enjoying a Bacardi Breezer or two.... It's times like this I seriously rethink my life.... Just gotta hold on a little longer.... Time to go read a bit of Alanon reading and work at "let go and let god".... Well I better go now before DH (dick head not dear husband) comes back out and complains I am typing again!!! Til next time...

I haven't quite figured all this out yet... I wanna add a comment (Shout out) section eventually but not sure quite how.... I also wanna add a poem in the corner that will always be there but again haven't quite figured that out either.... I found a template I liked but the text was white and I wanted to change it but my addled brain just isn't grasping things right now... So for now I am gonna post the poem here so I have it later when I figure things out better.... I don't know who wrote it but thank you Zayna for posting it on the PG Loss board...

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES

Don't let them say I wasn't born, That something stopped my heart I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold, It doesn't mean I'm gone, This world was worthy, not of me, God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul, What you are forced to face. You have my word, I'll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes," But that won't soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do, Another child you'll bear, Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you, When you will hold my hand, Stroke my face and kiss my lips, And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes That doesn't mean I never "was" An angel never dies.

Just another wonderful Saturday in the G house.... The boys are bouncing off the walls and being defiant.. E is being his usual AH self and harrassing me about getting the housework done... He just doesn't seem to care that I am still mourning the loss of our baby... it hasn't even been 2 wks since we lost the baby and he seems to think I can just move w/life like nothing has happened... It took me til Thursday to fully accept that we lost the baby... Up til then I was able to answer any technical question but in my heart I hadn't fully accepted that I wasn't pg anymore... then I had my d&c follow up Thursday morning... I was hoping to get some answers but the tests came back with a result of "Product of Conception" and stated there was "no fetal tissue" present... The doctor says there is was nothing I did or E did to cause this, 1 in 4 pgs end in m/c and it is nature's way of making sure a sick baby isn't born.... That doesn't make me feel better, I would have (I still do) loved the baby no matter what.. To make it worse my pg was listed as a BLIGHTED OVUM... how could it be a blighted ovum if I was 12 wks on the day of the d&c and had seen a heartbeat and active baby at 7w6d??? That still baffles me but I will save those questions for another day when I am ready to call and ask them... The boys were insisted that we were having a girl so I have named her Emily Elizabeth - Deven wanted to call her Emily... I bought a guardian angel pin w/a peridot birthstone and a pin with baby booties and a peridot birthstone to remember Emily since I was due in Aug.. Aug 6th to be exact, my birthday, but that's a bridge I will deal with down the road... I am alot more emotional this week then I was last week, the boys have received alot of hugs and kisses this week, most under protest *L* I have no desires to do much of anything but veg.. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to do dishes, laundry, grocery shop, etc.... Everywhere I turn there are newborns and pg women... it hurts to see them and know that I am not pg anymore... The boys occassionally ask questions so I can see they understand the baby is gone but still don't understand why there won't be a baby.... All I can do is tell them the baby is in heaven... Deven in his innocent youth says "Til she can come back to life again". In his world people die and come back right away as if nothing happened... Oh to be 5 again.... The doctor said to wait 2 months before trying again but DH has shut down to any possibilities of another baby.. it took me 3 yrs to get him to agree to another the last time... *sigh* Then again maybe this isn't the right time to have another baby anyway... Our marriage isn't the best, I find myself angry at him ALOT and the best we got along i a long time was that 1st week after I lost Emily... Well Dilen is sleeping and I should use this opportunity to rest myself.. I still don't have the energy levels I did before I got pg and seem to only want to sleep all the time.... Til next time....